A Day in the Life of a Freelance Writer

7:00 AM: The time you tell everyone that you woke up.

8:30: The time you really woke up.

9:00: Breakfast–hopefully something healthy but more likely something quick.

9:15: Avoid work by cleaning the office. And the kitchen. And the living room. Panic because a deadline is looming and apparently those papers just won’t write themselves.

10:00: The computer will no longer be avoided. So sit down and check Facebook. Something of minor importance must have happened to someone you know, and you should be among the first 100 friends to know about it and “Like” it. Laugh at a link someone posted to a Garfield cartoon. Nod solemnly at a Ghandi quote. Feel slightly more or less intelligent than you did a few moments ago.

10:15: Decide you really do like that your friend enjoyed her chicken tarragon last night, and you are glad you know about it.

10:30: Stare at phone for 30 minutes, attempting to use your telepathic ability to make it ring. Check email 15 times in the same span hoping that a new client has contacted you. Open a Word document and stare at the blank screen wondering if a blank screen really can mock you. Because this screen definitely has a mocking feel.

11:00: Check Twitter to ensure Demi and Ashton are still okay. More writing, happy that Demi and Ashton are fine. Wonder if you can turn your concern about Demi and Ashton into a paying gig. Decide that doing so might be a sign of the impending apocalypse and abandon the idea.

12:00 PM: Lunch time. Debate whether white wine or red goes best with a Coffee Crisp lunch. Decide on water instead.

12:30: Back to work. Write query letters and feel generally productive. Smile smugly to yourself when a friend sends the following text message: “I can’t take this stupid job any more. I just hate it so much.”

1:00: Shame spiral when you read about yet another hot young author who received an advance of billions of dollars for a book. Look at the picture of the author and think that she must have been a fetus when she started writing. Get back to writing, using your resentment as fuel for your creativity. Make a note that resentment as fuel for creativity could be a great theme for your award-winning book, if you should ever get around to writing it. Wonder if Julia Roberts should play you in the movie version of the book. Then wonder if Julia Roberts is too old for your target audience. Then wonder why you’re casting the movie version of a book you haven’t written yet. Reach for a glass of wine only to realize you decided on water earlier. Curse yourself for that decision.

2:00: Exercise time. Jump on the elliptical and debate lying to it about your age. Wonder what it says about you that you would lie to a machine about your age. Further shame spiral after you realize you shouldn’t have lied to the exercise machine about your age. Or your weight. Whisper a prayer of thanks that elliptical machines don’t ask about your income because you would be forced to lie about that, too.

3:00: Go back to work. Check email. Envision yourself getting a contract worth thousands of dollars because your friend told you that you weren’t putting enough positivity into the universe. Smile while envisioning because you heard somewhere that puts even more positivity into the universe. Wonder if the universe can handle all your positivity.

4:00: Wonder if afternoons actually grew longer once Oprah went off the air. Because they feel a lot longer without her telling you how special and powerful you are. Feel a little less empowered.

5:00: Get to work writing those articles because you work best under pressure. A lot of pressure. The kind of pressure that would make lesser writers crack. The kind of pressure they make movies about. Make a mental note about this pressure being the theme of an award winning movie, screenplay to be penned by you.

6:30 Panic because computer unexpectedly shut down and you meant to back up all your work but you’re not sure if you did or even if you saved it at all and this is what you get for working under pressure, so maybe next time you should just get to work right away and quit procrastinating.

6:35: Phew! You DID save it. Good for you.

6:40-11:30: Write your little heart out, ignoring phone calls from family and friends (who clearly don’t respect your schedule), stopping only for a small bite to eat and bathroom breaks because now that you’re on a roll, you’re in the zone and nothing can stop you. Imagine this time as a montage of clips and wonder what the theme song would be if this were played in a movie. Probably an uplifting song. Or a motivating one. Perhaps something by Will Smith because it’s been how long since he released an album? Is he still musically relevant? Wonder if you become distracted too easily.

11:35: Check Facebook one last time. Shut your computer off for the night. Go to bed. Resolve to wake up at 7:00.

Everything I Need to Know About Writing, I Learned From My Cats

There's nothing as rewarding as a long, hard day of napping

1. There is no work so important that it can’t be interrupted by a game of “Chase the cursor on the screen.”

2. A warm computer is really just a $1,000 heated bed.

3. Any interview can be made better by the sound of well-placed yowl.

4. Don’t become too attached to your work. The more you value a document, the higher the likelihood it will be chewed up.

5. Pencils, pens and erasers should be cleaned up nightly or they become the property (and toys) of the cat.

6. Grammatically speaking, a meow is preferrable to a woof.

7. Show, don’t tell. When something’s upsetting your stomach, don’t just whine about it, vomit it on everything nearby that looks important.

8. Let your imagination run wild: You’re not just  Fluffy, beloved house cat. You’re Thor, guard-cat extrodinaire to the Johnson family manor. And that’s not just a fly. It’s an evil fly, sent on a scouting mission from parts unknown, determined to spread chaos throughout the land, whose evil ways must be stopped in the most frantic manner possible.

9. Don’t use a passive voice when actively annoying your human will do.

10. Spelling: There’s no “I” in meow. But there is a “me”.

11. Always ask “what if?”. As in “What if I just casually walked across the keyboard right now?” or “What if I used my claws to climb up my human’s leg while she’s on the phone?”

12. There is nothing as stimulating for the mind as a three-hour early afternoon nap. Except maybe a three-hour early-afternoon nap followed by a three-hour late afternoon nap.

You’re Probably A Freelance Writer If

1) You consider putting on flannel pajama pants and a hoodie sweatshirt “getting dressed for work;”

2) The thought of office supply stores no longer carrying your favourite pens sends you into crying fits;

3) You tell people you signed up for Facebook and Twitter for research purposes, and you can say it with a straight face;

4) You spend each day going through 30 or so blogs about freelance writing, then wonder where the day went;

5) You regularly turn on your tv during the afternoon, not to watch it but to pretend the voices are those of coworkers;

6) You desperately want another pet just so there’s a new face to look at during the day;

7) You regularly come up with fascinating theories and opinions, only to have people roll their eyes at you and treat you as though you have the IQ of a pencil;

8) When family or friends stop by (or come home) you inundate them with questions and trivia that you’ve learned during the day;

9) You sometimes feel compelled to ask if there’s still laughter in the outside world;

10) You don’t mind receiving rejection letters because it means someone in the world is communicating with you;

11) You’ve mastered the art of staring at a picture on your wall for hours and calling it “inspiration time;”

12) You make lists after list of things to get done and sometimes include things you’ve already completed on the list just so you can cross them off for a sense of accomplishment;

13) Every time you bring up the topic of current copyright laws, your friends pretend you’re no longer in the room;

14) Sometimes when you leave your house you have to squint because you forgot how bright sunlight could be; and

15) You’ve learned how to make grilled cheese sandwiches four different ways so you don’t get bored of them during recessions.